Do you believe that it’s possible to fall for the same person over and over again? I didn’t, until I saw him — my ex boyfriend of three years, the one whom I refer to as ‘The One that got away’, — last Monday. You may find this silly, but that’s when I realize what people say is true, that when your heart kickstarts again, the whole world freezes. And in that moment nothing else matters except the pounding of my chest and the sight of you, so beautifully and wonderfully you. And the only thing going through my head is : Damn it. I should’ve said Hi.
Tuesday came and I was fine. I was completely fine. I went through my daily routine like what I normally do. Nothing has changed, like seeing you yesterday meant nothing. Nothing at all.
I was running late for work on Wednesday morning. The truth is I thought I dreamt about you last night but then I realized, everything feels like a dream. I dream of you when I close my eyes, and I dream about you when I’m wide awake. I can’t fathom which is real from fantasy anymore. But then, you’re not here with me so that’s the only harsh truth that I know.
I tried to stir clear from your memories on Thursday but it’s too late. I feel so involved now. I can’t help it. I can’t help caring. I’m forced. I’m too weak to restrain myself from you. I’m drawn to you once again and I can’t fucking help it. And finding out that you spoke to one of my best friends that day only makes things worse. I can’t help but wanting to be involved now.
On that one cold and rainy Friday I have completely fallen inlove all over again. Coincidence, fate? I dunno, but the moment I stepped inside that jeepney and glanced at your sneakers and ragged jeans, I knew instantly it was you. I couldn’t help but glance back to make sure that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I was kinda hoping it wasn’t you, because then I’d have to speak to you and I don’t think I was prepared for small talks.
Then I heard you gently call out my name. It’s a little louder than a whisper. And I knew everything has changed. Like, I knew I belong to you. I’ve belonged to you since the beginning, since before I ever knew that I did. Everything around me sort of zoned out and I only have my focus on you. How I remember you don’t ever dry your hair before stepping out of your house. How your eyes are a bit red probably from sleeping late last night. How you always carry that sling bag on your side. How you always wear hoody jackets instead of carrying an umbrella on a rainy day. I’m seeing all these things now, but I know I’m not in the position to hold on to it even if I want to.
My head was spinning fast and I couldn’t tell what makes me dizzy, the bumpy ride or the fact that I’m few inches away from you. It’s like a dream really, a 15-minute dream which I don’t ever wanna wake up. The thing is, I can’t even remember most of the things we talked about. I was too busy keeping my heart in check or else I might faint. And that would be so stupid.
I couldn’t keep my focus on my work that day. It’s like, everything I type on my computer would spell out your name. It’s stupid actually. I keep on retelling to my friends our ‘jeepney incident’ last night and they call it fate. I honestly don’t know what to call it. All I know is that after all these years we’ve spent apart, I knew my feelings for you haven’t changed. But I don’t know what to do about those feelings. I’m such a wuss that I can’t even admit to myself how I truly feel about you. When I recall bumping into you yesterday, I can’t help but look back on all the memories I tried to burn at the back of my head. How we left things behind. How much I’ve hurt you. How mean I was to you. And how I officially loathe myself for letting you go.
It’s Sunday and I can’t remember falling asleep last night. All I know is that I was crying on my bed. I remember eating breakfast with my family but I can’t savor each meal. I can’t help thinking about you, day and night or anytime at all. I can’t help wishing that you would love me. I can’t help waiting until the time we talk again. I can’t help wanting to be more than friends. I can’t help thinking about how I love you. And I wish I don’t feel the way I do. I wish I don’t feel the ache and longing to be next to you. I wish I didn’t saw you last Monday. Now I’d have to deal with these feelings all over again. Now I’m back at square one.