My Pursuit of Silver Linings

“I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?” – Tiffany, Silver Linings Playbook

Those are my favorite lines by Jennifer Lawrence, my newest favorite actress who played the role of Tiffany from my newest favorite movie, Silver Linings Playbook. The movie was wickedly hilarious, soooo moving (sorry for the exaggeration) crazy as sick, and I love it!

Life doesn’t always go according to plan. Pat Solatano (Bradley Cooper) has lost everything — his house, his job, and his wife. He now finds himself living back with his mother (Jacki Weaver) and father (Robert DeNiro) after spending eight months is a state institution on a plea bargain. Pat is determined to rebuild his life, remain positive and reunite with his wife, despite the challenging circumstances of their separation. All Pat’s parents want is for him to get back on his feet-and to share their family’s obsession with the Philadelphia Eagles football team. When Pat meets Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), a mysterious girl with problems of her own, things get complicated. Tiffany offers to help Pat reconnect with his wife, but only if he’ll do something very important for her in return. As their deal plays out, an unexpected bond begins to form between them, and silver linings appear in both of their lives. — Synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes

In this kind of movies, the endings are kinda predictable; the guy will surely get the girl and they live happily ever after. But the fun part is witnessing how they’d end up together or hearing the words from the protagonist as he swept off the leading lady’s feet (Ugh, I’m such a hopeless romantic!) Sometimes I daydream that my life is a movie or like what the trend is nowadays, a reality show. But in my case, I don’t always get the guys…

(And so the crowd sympathetically goes AAAAAAAWWWWWW)

It’s like, cupid and fate joined forces to toy with me, you know? Forgive me for saying this out loud but “How come I don’t get the guys??” HAHAHAHA You remember my recent post Me and My Soft Heart?  The truth is, you know who got his new girlfriend pregnant. Uh-huh, he’s having a baby so surprise, surprise. And of all the people he’s seeking advice from is me. ME. The very person who least wants to give him my advice (oh life). The load is weighing him down (or so what he tells me during our last conversation). He felt like he’s not yet ready for such big responsibility and isn’t ready to give up his vices to embrace the role of fatherhood. Well, in my opinion, having a baby is a blessing and if you’re not yet ready to raise one of your own then you should have been more careful, right? Him being a parent soon is a bit shocking, but running to me is a different thing. Just when I thought he is asking for my ‘friendly’ advice, I put my guard down and decided to talk some sense into him. As I told you before, we were good friends back then and I wanted to help him out. But no, that’s not what he intends to do and honestly, I can’t help but wonder if he ever thought of me as his friend. I don’t know about you, but I consider friend as someone I don’t take for granted and someone I respect a lot. Unfortunately, he only sees me as an escape route from his burden. He sees me as someone independent and carefree and he always wanted that life for himself. Well, I welcomed him to my world before but he only shuts it out, so what does he expects me to do right? He should have figured out what he wants a few months back.

The bottom line is, he was a dick (Oh please, don’t give me that nasty look. I’m pissed and I don’t give a damn.) It’s just too much for me and I don’t wanted to be associated with assholes like him, ever again! I don’t want to be some guy’s “escape route.” Like when things are going pretty bad, they’d look for me as their “fire exit.” What the fuck right??!! Is this what I’m getting after being someone’s friend and pushing aside all the negative things that has happened before? You know what I truly wish for him? That being a dad will somehow give him a new perspective in life, and that if ever he’ll have a daughter, he’ll feel the remorse of how ill he has treated the girls he has dated before… Ugh.

Fast forward to the few months after that stupid drama, this guy from my post So Close came along… In a sense, we don’t really have an intimate relationship. It’s more like a special and complicated friendship, like you wanted to be something more than just friends but then a lot of complications are at hand so you just keep mum about it.  Everything was going pretty well, we keep in touch via viber, skype, facebook or any social networking sites that technology has ever invented. Then just after Christmas, he told me that he needed time for himself since he’ll going back to school to finish his course. So I try to play it cool you know, like “Sure, do your thing. Take care.” but the real deal was “What did I do? Did I say something wrong? Don’t you like me anymore? Oh no, oh no..” Yeah, us girls thinks about a lot of many things all at the same time. So I just go on with my everyday life trying not to think of him and about what happened because it’s not that big of a deal. Or maybe that’s what I keep on telling myself, but no, it really isn’t a big deal. I’m not in love with him but I like him and how he treats me and make me feel that I felt sad if I’d ever to lose a good friend. But things just aren’t what they’re supposed to be. And to my surprise, just very recently, he made contact with me and was apologizing for not responding to me for such a long time.

Ouch. Did I just got dumped?? 

I was mad at him, frustrated even but I also can’t deny that I was missing him in between (what the fuck is wrong with me??!). How can someone just leave without a word?! The least he could do was to give me a head’s up saying ‘hey bitch, I’ll be gone for a while. Talk to you soon.’ Nada. But I’d give him credit for standing up and apologizing still even after months of total silence. Cause for me, having the guts to ask for an apology is all that matters. I get it, the distance and time difference has been too much for him and that he’d rather live in a more realistic world than keep seeing a girl over the monitor who is over a thousand miles away. I understand that, besides I didn’t expected anything good that might happen with this long-distance-stupid-thing, I guess I just enjoyed his company (or so to speak) and how much we have a lot in common. I’m still grateful that he stated the facts that I can’t even face myself because of how much it will hurt, like this is going nowhere. Would I want to pursue whatever we had despite the distance? I guess I liked him that much that I was willing to, but then how was I suppose to pursue something real and important to me when right before it even started, this person has already given up on me? >sniff, sniff< And what makes it more sad is when I was reading his messages the song playing on the background was Get here by Oleta Adam. What a day.

So how come I don’t get the guy? By this time I know people are saying “Poor you, poor KC.” Dammit, I think I’m getting used to it. I know, I know, you’d tell me that I should stop looking for Mr. Right, that he’ll come along to find me. Or that I should just be patient and all. I know that. You’d tell me, there’s more to life than looking for a partner but you see, that’s total bullshit because I believe that all you really need is love. To tell you the truth, I’m not even looking. I don’t how and why but I think I have this magnetic field that attracts frogs instead of princes. I also want to think that someone is really out there for me, but I don’t want to dwell on that anymore. Looking back on the past relationships I’ve had, I felt like I was the one who has given so much that it makes me wonder, “How come I get nothing in return?” I’m sure you’d tell me love isn’t about asking in return, hence it’s all about giving. Well, I say fuck that.

Conceited as it may seem, but after all that I’ve been through, this time (if ever there will come a time) it’ll be all about me. Yes, the next guy should be able to fight for me despite the distance in between us. And next time, I won’t be just an escape route but he sees my worth and stick with me whether everything is on fire or when the sky won’t stop raining. And so I decided to make an experiment. To spare myself with all the stupid heartaches, I will not engage myself in all kinds of dating. I will not entertain men in my life except for plain friendship. I will not respond to flirty accommodations that may lead to flings, short or long-term relationship or sexual practices or whatsoever. In short, I’m on dating-celibacy until my 27th birthday. HAHAHAHA

Oh dear, what have I got myself into.. sigh.





3 comments on “My Pursuit of Silver Linings

  1. KC …. Mr right will arrive one day and in the meantime enjoy all the ones that is wrong. *smile
    Haven’t seen the movie – have it read to watch, but haven’t come around to it yet. Heard so much great about it … and I love that dress that tripped in the stairs at Oscars, that stunning Dior dress. You’re a clever, funny and intelligent young woman … and you are smart enough to waste your life on think that happiness comes through a man.
    You have got it completely right – lovers comes and goes … friends stay forever. You have got it right – and of course you will miss him at times and what you had together with him. We, women, all ages also have to easy to fall in love with being in love.
    I think you have come a such long way in your acting and thinking. You are a brilliant young woman, don’t sell yourself cheap in any corners of life.

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