So Close..

“‘I’m sorry for every word I wrote to change you, I’m sorry for so many things. I couldn’t see you when you were here and, now that you’re gone, I see you everywhere.’ Any writer can attest: in the luckiest, happiest state, the words are not coming from you, but through you. She came to me wholly herself, I was just lucky enough to be there to catch her.” – Calvin Weir-Fields, Ruby Sparks

The year 2012 for me was tormenting but absolutely radiant. One moment I was dreaming on cloud nine and the next, I was wide awake hitting ground bottom. It was rough, but somehow I can’t find myself regretting it because I loved every bit of it! I’m sure it sounds crazy haha A friend once told me, “Fall in love a lot, and when you get hurt just feel the pain. Get lost on the highway, and eat what you love. You only live once, so sure as hell make the best out of it!” So I’m not doing any New Year’s Resolution this year, (except for saving up for my vacation haha) instead I plan to live as freely as I can without any restrictions on what I should or shouldn’t do or how to live my life. My 25th year has taught me a lot and awaken all my senses. I can say that I’ve grown mature in learning to embrace the challenges that has occurred to make me a better person. I’m not being righteous, I’m not perfect, for pete’s sake and I don’t plan to be one. Hence, I’m gonna make a lot of mistakes this year or hit the U-turn spots but this time I’ll learn from them.

This year of 2012 I have fallen in and out of love. I honestly thought that it was the end of me. I really felt it in my core that I won’t be able to stand on my own feet and feel the warmth of life ever again. But truly, no matter how farfetched the idea is, or no matter how short or long the span of time was, Time heals all wounds. And in my case, time has been a great companion and someone special added spark to my cheerless heart.

Yes, I met a boy.

But wait!

Before you guys jump into any conclusions, I must stop you right away because this story has come to an end even before it started. I know, it sucks and I honestly haven’t given much thought about it, or maybe I just avoid thinking about it because it hurts, but you know that feeling you get when you see a blank page in your computer, and you knew deep inside your heart that you needed to write about this. Well surprise, surprise, I’m typing them down.

I’m not gonna put in much telling details about him simply because there’s no point to it but I remember him so well… How it all started is through the famous social networking sites ever invented, facebook. We’re of the same age and nationality but at a young age he and his family migrated to the west which has a time difference of -16 hours from where I am. Yah, he’s on the other side of the world, so spell complicated; check! But communicating with him even with the time difference was not as hard as I imagined it to be, I mean thanks to technology and the rest of the social networking sites and wifi that we get to communicate and see each other as if he’s just sitting right next to me. When I told you from my previous entries that I found guys surrounding me so lame, it’s because they can be around me physically but I find it hard to really express myself, what I think and my beliefs with them because I knew they just won’t get me. They’re just random guys who would simply come and go and won’t even leave a mark that I could remember them by, you know what I mean? But surprisingly with him, I just feel a certain connection and that if only he was here or I was there, it would have been close to perfection.

Actually, he is not my type. I usually go for mestizo or chinito who listens to the same genre of music, read the same books of my favorite authors, ink our skin with biblical quotes or random art, or watch concerts and underground gigs as I do. No, he’s not entirely into that but I know that he can be fun and we can both compromise with our different affiliations. As contradicting as it seems, I guess I liked him because he’s not my type. You know, different from the usual patterns that I go for. He has a chocolate-colored skin and perfect set of white teeth. His hands are rough from working out which makes it so manly about him. He’s got a great voice and he sings to me when I’m hang-over or having a bad day to make me feel better. I think he likes Lionel Richie because he oftentimes sings and greets me with Hello when I pick up the phone. I love how he would wait for me even in the wee hours of the night (his timezone)  just to talk to me and see me for an hour or so. I like how I would wake up in the mornings and find simple text messages from him, wishing me a great day ahead. I like how we ask each other on the same time if we have both finished our meals. I started to realize that I care for him when I became curious about him; I wanted to know how his day went, what are his favorites, what he thinks, opinions on certain things, and what scares or pisses him off. I wish I could get to know him more, but fate and distance has been preventive.

Was it hard not being close to him or be able to touch him? Of course it is, but I chose to look on the brighter side of things and see that conflict as a beauty of what we share; the anticipation to see and talk to each other regardless of the distance. It makes me glad knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world, someone thinks you are special. I can’t help but be fascinated with the fact that there are numerous guys out here, guys whom I shouldn’t have problems with regards to distance, time difference and all but somehow I don’t feel as happy with them as what he does with me even though we don’t really see each other up close. He made me realize that I’m still capable of giving affection, and that I can still care for someone like I cared for him. And him just looking at me through the monitor, I can breathe easy, no need to utter such prayers, no need to speak… I knew I’m beautiful in his eyes.

I just wanted to share my thoughts of him on my blog page because I terribly miss him, and with the hopes that he won’t condemn me if this blog would ever reach him. You see, I never thought I could miss someone this way, but I do and it sucks. But I get it, I know how the world works. It’s just so close.. So damn close.

Xoxo,

KC

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21 comments on “So Close..

  1. I know, right ? No, I’m just kidding…. I understood why he bailed. he was sick, really sick. But I wanted to marry him, ahahaha ! Oh, well, his loss. Yeah?

    • really now? you should have taken care of him when he was really sick hehe hell yeah, it’s his loss! see, he should have taken lots of vitamin c before you came to Philippines lol 🙂

  2. I feel bad about badmouthing him , sister. I wrote something about him on my earlier posts. I was totally depressed. He was really sick. I don’t think he would lie about that. he was already sick when I told him I wanted to see him. TT.TT

    • oh well,, it happens. I feel for you, that’s what we normally tend to do when we get upset; write about them! hahaha so now you guys aren’t communicating anymore? 🙂 nakichismis! haha

  3. I think he’s dead now…. I pray not. He just turned 21 on September 9. I still have his emails, up to the last. Eh. It’s upsetting. He was 19 when he was diagnosed.

    • oh… that’s just sad. so it’s really serious then? not just some kind of fever or something. tsk, hey try not to feel bad okay? I’m sure he wanted to see as well if he was even feeling better that day.

  4. Serious. When he told me I freaked out and cursed him…. and he said ” Eff you, too ! do you think I ‘m glad I told you? ” Anyway, he didn’t exactly tell me straight/// he directed me to a link…. and when I clicked it , it’s ……. I almost screamed. Hmmm, this is like a tragedy romance, come to think of it.

    • What? That’s so twisted! Even though you might have said something terrible at him I still don’t think it’s proper that he would say or do such things to you. Oh well, just be glad that you and that guy are not together now. I mean, I feel bad for him because he’s sick and all but hey, you’re a lady and you should be treated much better than that right? 😉

  5. Wonderful news …. and I think it’s good that you’re not totally on the same level in everything – that brings a lot more to the relationship. To miss him is a great sign. Good luck ..

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