I will wait for You.

“Sometimes answers only come when we change our perspective. Which works in science and math. Not as well with matters of the heart. Because the heart isn’t rational. It doesn’t listen to reason. And it doesn’t give a crap what we want.” – Emily Owens M.D.

The truth is, I’m not used to being single. Since I was 17 I was making out and breaking up with a guy and I’ve never had a leeway for myself. And the sad part is, I’ve gotten used to it for as long as I can remember. You know the saying “The best way to get over someone is to replace them.” I used to think that, that’s the best solution for every heartache, but clearly it’s not. Using someone to replace the other is the most coward, hopeless and immature thing to do, as far as I am concerned. I realized now that moving on is really a long journey to go through and that you need to learn to take the long cut, rather than the short cut, for you to completely heal.

For years I’ve gotten used to being with someone just for the sake of not being alone or having a date for a wedding because it sucks big time to attend a wedding all by yourself right? Or maybe hook up with one of the grooms men, but that’s a whole different story. hahaha My point is, I was always dependent on my partner that I have completely lost the real me and forgotten to be comfortable with being alone. Alone but doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. No matter how young or old you are, or how much you earn in a year, getting over a breakup is one of the toughest and tiring thing to do. I wanna say I don’t wanna believe in love again, but I still do. I may not have met Mr. Right yet but I met a bunches of Mr. Dick, Mr. Asshole, Mr. I’m Perfect, Mr. Conceited and so on and so forth. But I know he’s out there, thinking about me and preparing himself for our first date or first kiss 🙂 Do I get tired of searching? I do, I really am tired of it all. I’m not giving up on love, I’m just done chasing after it and decided to wait for it and this time, I’ll let it find me.

You know  every time you get into a relationship, you can’t help but keep your hopes up and think that this person is The One. I know I do, and I’ve been disappointed time and time again. There might be a problem with me or maybe the fact that we’re just wasn’t in sync with each other. He’s on the north pole and I’m on the south, so figures. When we saw something about a person that attracts us, we immediately jump into conclusions that they are perfect for us and the wedding bells will soon be ringing, when in fact, you’re just settling because you felt like the clock is ticking and it’s time to make things happen. And after months, years, and things didn’t worked out you’d say to yourself, ‘If only I have waited…’ And the time, days and years you’ve wasted over that assumption cannot be taken back, those are long gone. So what are you gonna do? Back then when I was asked, “What do you look for in a guy?” I always come up with a list:

  • Good looking, or rather a presentable one.
  • Excellent hygiene.
  • Preferably three to five years older than me.
  • An artist or fancies the art.
  • Makes me laugh.
  • Has a stable job and independent.
  • Bonus: If he’s a musician.
  • Smooth and sensible talker.
  • Loves to travel like me.
  • Romantic 🙂
  • Family-oriented.
  • Catholic.

Those were just the highlights but trust me, the list is endless. hahaha I still consider my list, but then as I reflect on that question, I realized that what I really look for in a guy, just like any other girls is this list:

  • Thinks I’m still beautiful even when I just woke up.
  • Dreams big about his future, and I’m in it.
  • Knows how to brighten up my day.
  • Patient with me esp. when I have tantrums.
  • Encourages me with my writing and art.
  • Mature enough to lose a fight.
  • He would watch America’s Next Top Model with me rather than UFC hahaha
  • Would offer his help with my errands.
  • A complete gentleman and knows how to respect a lady.
  • Great listener and knows when to speak up.
  • Accepts all my weirdness! (Bunches of them 🙂 )
  • Willing to be with me, in any part of the world.
  • Who would get me a pair of slippers when I’m uncomfortable with my high heels.
  • Makes me his muse for his art and music.
  • Someone who is selfless and prays with me.
  • Respects my religion.

Us women, aren’t looking for a king or a jack of hearts, just someone who knows the meaning of respect. Men who knows how to respect women and treat them accordingly, for me that’s the most important value that every woman should look for in a guy. If that someone respects you as a person, then love and care will follow. Don’t be blinded by the fancy and expensive things that guy gives you, or how extravagant his car or background is. Observe how he speaks to elderly and ladies or does he talk ill about someone? Look at how he treats his mom and sisters and you’ll see fit how he’s gonna treat you as his partner.

The other day, my sister shared this link on my facebook wall and this inspired me to write this post. This is from a spoken word poem by Janette McGhee or most commonly known as Janette…Ikz during a convention at Lyricist Lounge for Passion for Christ Movement.

So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me.

So I took matters into my own hands
and… ended up with him.
Him, who displayed the characteristics of a
cheater, a liar, an abuser, and a thief.

So why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?
I called 911, but I was cardiac-arrested for
aiding and abetting,
’cause it was me who let him in, claiming we were “just friends.”

It was already decided for me by the first date that
even if he wasn’t, I was gonna make him “the One.”

You know… I was tired of being alone,
and I simply made up in my mind,
that it was about that time
so I decided to drag him along for the ride,
’cause I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

A virgin in the physical,
but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat,
who was tired of the wait,
so I was gonna make him “the One.”

He had a… form of Godliness,
but not much.

But, but, hey, hey, I can change him,
so I’ll take him, I mean he’s close… enough.

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it’s used to be.
Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked His will from flowing through me.
So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack,
that flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance, He saw,
so through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest
to transplant Psalms 51:10, a new heart
& a renewed right spirit within.
So now, I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend,
how much I need to wait for You.

See, the bad thing is
that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning.
’cause in the beginning was the Word
and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,
and all he could whisper was sweet, empty, nothings–
which meant nothing!

He couldn’t even have prayed when I needed him to,
asking him to fast would be absurd,
so, forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word.

But I know you, you are already praying for me.
Even never having met me, let me assure you,
I will wait for you.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicatewith carbon copies of you. 

To appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention

And short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.
You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?
His first name LUKE,
His last name WARM.
I, I won’t settle for false companionship
I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms,
Attempting to find some closeness,
But never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held
Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say”
No!
No more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’
Passing winks & buying drinks,
I’ma,
I’ma,
I’ma flirt!♫
Who flirts with the ideology of,
‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’
NO more.
I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you
He won’t even come close,
Our fingers won’t even interlock
We won’t even exchange breath
Cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped you to open.
I will no longer get weighted down,
From so-called friends & family talks,
About the concern for my biological clock
When I serve the Author of Time.
Who is not subject to time,
But I’m subject to Him,
He has the ability to stop, fast forward, pause, or rewind at any given time…
So if we could role play,
You would be Abraham & I would be Sara.
Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer
I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,
Made up of your rib Adam!
And once we meet, like electrons
I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.
We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.
We were all created in His image,
But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.
If I were to explain what you looked like,
You would have to look like a star,
A son of the Son..
I would gain energy simply from the light on me.
I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis
I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis,
I will wait for you.
And I will know you…
because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,
Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,
Your faith will remind me of Abraham,
Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,
Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,
Your heart for God will remind me of David,
Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,
Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,
And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,
But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally
will remind me of Christ.
But I won’t need to identify you by any
special Matthews or any special Marks,
Cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.
And you will know me, and you will find me,
Where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.
Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,
Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.
I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.
But to my Father, my Father who has known me
before I was birthed into this earth
Only if You should see fit…
I desire Your will above mine.
So even if you call me to a life of singleness,
My heart is content with You – the One who was sent.
You are the greatest love story ever told,
The greatest story ever known.
You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business
Oh, I will always be Yours!
And I will always wait for You Lord,
more than the watchmen wait for the morning…
More than the watchmen wait for the morning… 
I WILL WAIT.
I just wanted to thank my sister for sharing this link to me, who knew me too well and what I’m going through and this helped me a lot. This helped me realize that, just when you think you know everything, you can never survive without God’s wisdom and once you’ve completely submit to Him, let Him lead the way, He’ll keep you close. Just like a mother who won’t leave her son’s side. And I wanna thank Janette for sharing God’s word through her. She has helped a lot of people. such as myself, who has gone astray and trying to find their purpose in this life. Truly God’s love works in different mysterious ways.
So I hope this helped, inspired and moved you, as much as it moved me.
Cheers to love and respect!
Xoxo,
KC

 

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7 comments on “I will wait for You.

  1. Hmmm, I can tell you’re really having a hard time forgetting that man. hang in there. can’t say “move on”… so casually, coz, it’s really hard. Take your time… it will definitely get better in time… be patient.

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