“Go on just say it; You need me like a bad habit.”
The title of my blog today is a line from a song by one of my all-time favorite bands, Taking Back Sunday.
Ok, not that I’m being conceited or whatever, just try to hear me out..
I have been reciting lines to myself whenever I’m in the shower or while driving or simply before going to sleep. I’m reciting lines to some questions that most people ask me, like “How are you holding up? How’s your heart?”, “What if blah blah blah?” or “What are your plans etc.?”
For the past couple of weeks I have been avoiding these kind of questions because it scares me that answering them might reopen wounds again and so the best defense mechanism I could fathom was to just keep silent and ignore it. And I must say, that I’m starting to be pretty good at it. The truth is, and this is not me saying this as a rehearsed line but truly comes from the heart, that I’m doing pretty well. It’s hard enough that my world seems to have gone smaller because in every corner it reminds me of what has been and what makes it EVEN harder is that even my closest friends remind me of him. And in fairness to them, I can see that they’re also trying their best not to bring up the topic about us and simply ignore everything. But see, what hurts more is knowing that they’re trying so hard to protect me… and I love them for that.
And it sucks because no matter how I try not to think about it, I occassionally find myself thinking about it. Tsk. Sometimes I find myself unintentionally checking out the plate numbers of the cars similar to his, or I can’t help whincing whenever I passed by some of our favorite restaurants or hang-out place. It’s stupid, I know. And what makes it more stupid is that I know for a fact that he’s not even thinking about me or felt the same way even, yet I’m still punishing myself with this stupidity. Why does some of us find it hard to let go even when we know that these people we love always makes us feel like shit, that we don’t even matter, like we doesn’t even exist. Yet here we are, telling everybody we know that we’re doing fine, we don’t care and we’re handling the situation very well but God knows how hard we’re trying to convince ourselves as much as we want to convince others whenever we say that. Oh life…
Since we part ways, I have always prepared myself to the possibility of him going out with different girls because it’s normal. But I still blame myself for being so confident that he won’t be as happy with any of them as much as he was happy being with me, and I was like ‘what on earth were you thinking KC?’ Of course he’ll be just as happy, or happier even. Reality check, he left you goddammit. So… Enough.
I keep on telling myself ‘Enough…’
I have started to loosen my grip. I have come to realize how stupid I was for hoping he’d show up in my doorstep asking for another chance. It’s even unimaginable, so farfetch from reality.
And just as I was continuing my struggle to survive without him with each passing day, all of a sudden he called me up.
Imagine yourself being in my shoe; eventhough you don’t want to make a big deal out of it you’d be hypocrite to deny that it’s not when in fact, him calling you is like a dream come true. I made it clear that I didn’t even recognized his number, actually I deleted all his contact details and forced myself not to remember. But who the fuck am I kidding, of course I remember those digits to my inner core. I know, I’m pathetic! And being an arse as he was, I know he wouldn’t admit that he’s missing me too that’s why he called, nor would he admit that he’s also hurting, instead he’d show me and the rest of the people surrounding him how easily he could replace me with different girls each night because that’s what a big man is suppose to do.
No matter how awful and heartbreaking the news about him and his dating that came my way, I held my silence and kept my head down thinking it’s for the best, sparing the pride that’s left of me, or if there’s any that’s left of it… Why do some people keep on wasting their time flirting with someone when someone out there is deeply loving them all along? Why keep on searching when everything you need is right here in front of you, you just need to open your eyes.
“You know, sometimes you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you something great will come of it.” – We bought a zoo