Hello, Goodbye 1/2

You may be wondering about the odd title. Likewise. I dunno it just feels right.

I’m actually a mess right now. I feel so tired, my head is throbbing and my bed calls to me but I can’t sleep. I wanna cry and breakdown but I feel so numb that even my tears can’t seem to find their way to fall.

Young Blood by Birdy

We’re only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

I really wanna breakdown until there’s no more tears to cry. I wanna scream till my voice fails me. I’m angry, I know I’m angry and I wanna hit someone or something but I feel so weak… I can’t find my strength. Even typing these words seems like infinite. I wanna go somewhere where no one knows me or will disturb and ask me a lot of questions. I wanna feel carefree again. I just wanna drive and drive and won’t care if I’m going on circles. I just miss the fresh air in my face. It’s been a long time since I last lit a cigar, and I miss it. Maybe I’ll go back to smoking again. For once, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to care and just be a nobody. No history. Nothing.

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

I’m in pain; No, it’s actually understated. I feel so emotionally drained. I’m trying to sort out how deep my pain is or up to what extent but I just can’t figure out yet. I hope I do so I would know what I’m supposed to do on how to end it. It’s bittersweet. I can still taste it. A few hours ago I feel at home, I feel safe under those arms and it was clear to me that I will always long to feel that minty breath upon my skin. And I wish I didn’t have to know, a part of me blames myself for being such a smart interrogator and so damn good when sensing I’m being played. But then a part of me also demands to know because I deserve to know. And it all happened again.  It’s like history is repeating itself over and over again… unfortunately this time, I’m on the losing end as always. And it’s bittersweet… I wish the taste won’t stay that long.

Can’t help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

I feel so dizzy, 2 tablets of Biogesic doesn’t give any relief. Can you suggest a stronger medicine for headache? Or for heartache I suppose? Looking back I thought to myself, what have I done wrong? Is it me? Am I not enough? Are all my efforts not enough? Is my love not enough? Am I not pretty enough? Or hot enough? Sensible enough? Or did I really fell in love for an asshole? I know you’re not but please prove me wrong.. All these questions are running through my head and it’s making me more dizzy. And I feel so sick I wanna throw up…

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

Do you remember our first Tagaytay trip? I couldn’t watch the Taking Back Sunday concert that night and I was so sad and you told me to stop mourning about it, instead we’ll go wherever I want, somewhere that would make me smile. And the first thing that came to my mind is Tagaytay. I don’t know what magic that place holds but every time I feel sad I just wanna go there and look at the Taal view. Or maybe it’s the long drive that I enjoy a lot. Now I’m thinking of paying a trip back there, alone perhaps. After eating a hearty dinner, we sat at the veranda overlooking the city lights, laughing and smoking cigars. It was so cold but we still chose to eat halo-halo instead of drinking coffee 🙂 Just like when we enjoyed eating Magnum even when its raining hard. And we just sat there beneath the stars at night, the restaurant was closed already but we just shrugged it off and continued chatting. That was the time when we knew we could be lovers because we’re such great friends but kept on denying it within ourselves. And its weird because we we’re so alike in so many different ways. I kept your secrets and you kept mine, we hold our promises and swore to the skies.

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

You knew I was fragile… I told you so last May 1. What was in those words that you don’t seem to comprehend? You see, the difference between you and me is that I kept in mind even the smallest details. Maybe that’s a downside, I’m not really sure. But I swore an oath that I would never hurt you that way because I knew how much you’ve been through, how much you’ve suffered. Which part of my story that is not clear enough for you? Is it because you knew I’m always tough that you thought I can “also” surpass this? That what you did is just simple and no harm done? But it did, it just ruined all my faith in you and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces anymore. You just brought my greatest nightmare come to life… And I can feel all the eyes on me, I can hear them mocking and whispering with all conviction: “I told you so.” Karma’s a bitch, even for me. There I said it.

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper?
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it’s too late
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?

I wanna know you’re sorry. I wanna see you crawling to get home, drunken and full of piss and vomit all over your sleeves and full of self-loathing that you lost me, because you ruined it. I wanna look deep into your eyes and see remorse and shame that these happened to us and won’t see what could have been. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and see how much lost you are without me, see how empty your life was before me. As much as I wanna hate you, I hate myself even more because I can’t find the courage to hate you that much despite aaaaaaallllll these pain you’ve caused me. God knows how much I poured my love, patience and faith for you and I don’t want to think it was a mistake because it’s you. But if it was, you were my favorite mistake. And I want to let go of you before it’s too late. Before I lose myself again…

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