These are the pros and cons of living my life as an open-book.
I’m Karlene A. Contado. I’m most commonly called as KC or Lhene. I live in Quezon City, Philippines, and turning 25 this September. Of course you know these infos about me, if you’ve been following my blogs for the past few months or if you’re in my circle of Facebook and Twitter friends/followers.
I’m writing this blog because I think I just did a dreadful mistake.
I was being reckless and irresponsible of my own actions and words. And now, it has caused me too much… My actions hurt the important person I genuinely cared about.
Have you ever been in a situation wherein you’re really mad, furious even, that you feel the hair behind your neck are raising just like a cat whenever it’s mad? Or you feel your blood is boiling with angst that you can’t seem to control? Or that you’re shuddering deep down to your core because you’re crying hysterically?
Well, that’s how I feel when I posted about me and Kevin’s recent fight last August 1, 2012 entitled “Why do I always fall for an asshole?” (sigh*)
Only now that I truly understand the saying “Don’t make decisions when you’re mad.”
You know when you’re upset and you felt like you just wanted to set the scores even because that person hurt you and you thought that person deserves it and you expect you’d be able to sleep peacefully at night or the pain would just simply go away, and it supposed to make it better but it didn’t. Worse, it just made you feel dishonourable of what you did…
That’s what I’m feeling right now. I wish I have the supernatural powers to just touch you and make you see and feel what’s truly inside my heart and mind so I would stop fidgeting here in my room about how to clearly explain what’s really going on… I know I don’t have to sweat it, but I just have to, you know what I mean? So if you think I’m not making any sense, just bear with me okay?
I never thought that I hold that much power to influence other people because of what I have to say or what my actions were, I honestly don’t, until now. My dad once told me to think carefully about the words I would say because those words can never be taken back. A couple of hours ago, after the typhoon that hit the country has calmed down a bit, Kev and I get to talking over the poor reception of our cellular phones. And that’s when I heard his side of the story. And as he was talking and his words sank deep into my brain, I was slowly sinking in my place and all I could think about was: KC, you’re a one overreacting drama queen and a total idiot. How can I be so stupid to not think things through and let myself be consumed by my anger? Shit! I should have been smarter and patient and waited for him to explain, but no, being stubborn and impulsive as I was, I head straight for the laptop and started writing while ignoring my conscience that tells me I’m being detrimental, instead I hit the icon “Publish.”
And since then, everything has just been a roller coaster. All of my friends and family are concerned and panicking about what’s happening and I just couldn’t rationalize what’s really going on because in the first place, I myself wasn’t even sure what was “really” going on and as much as I don’t want to be self-centred and share just “my” side of the story, the next thing I know I’m blabbering non-stop. Yeah I’m glad and it made me feel better knowing that a lot of people are actually concerned of what I’m going through, especially my readers all over the world, but because of what I posted these people turned away from him and thought of him as an asshole! God, my least favourite person in the world right now is myself… Literally.
I’ve never felt so terrible, small, stupid and ignorant in my entire life!!! Honestly, I look at the mirror and I see a bully. And I hate bullies!!! ARGH!!! I’M SO TIRED!!!!
I recall Peyton’s line in One Tree Hill:
People disappoint you, yeah I get that. But what if one day you realized you are the disappointment?
I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you guys for always being there for me and for the kind words to make me feel better. And sorry for causing you all those trouble. This moment in my life has taught me so much and made me realize how much love and support I have from the people around me.
Kevin, my love, even if I delete that stupid post, I could never take the words back or how people perceive you are, and you don’t deserve that. During the days we were apart; simply attest how a gentleman you are by keeping your silence and just letting me be. There was nothing you can do but to patiently let me rant and rant because you knew how that would help me calm down and make me realize in time that my judgment has fallen short. For a brief period of time, we’ve been through so much; you’ve been through so much and I should have been there with you helping you out, because that’s what partners do. When I told you that you keep on pushing the people who cares for you away, it was actually meant for me. I was the one who keep on pushing people away… But this time I want you to stay. And if you’d let me, I’ll make things right this time around…