As most of my closest friends knew, I just received a hate mail recently. I’m not writing this blog because I can’t get over it or because I’m affected by it. No, not really. If there’s one thing that would disturb me right now, receiving hate mails like that is not of them, trust me 🙂
At first I thought we (Kevin and I) would be understood by the people surrounding us and the people who are affected by it, but obviously I was wrong. If you’ve been following my previous blogs, you’d get the picture. But if you don’t, let me walk you through it. You see, Kevin and I were just acquaintances 15 years ago (or so). The kind of relationship we have is typically normal along with the rest of our high school barkada (friends). We go out, drink few shots, have fun and make fun with each other, that’s it. But we don’t do that regularly, nope and we both don’t really know much about each other. Then we went out on a friendly-date, just the two of us, you know, catching up. And being “chismosa” (gossipy) as I am, I asked him about his personal life, previous issues etc. things like that. And I tend to open up a bit about my self that he don’t really know about me and surprisingly, we had fun. It was just plain dinner and talking but we had this mutual understanding that we don’t want to end that night so fast! And amazingly, it became regular: we call and text each other REGULARLY, he’d drop by at my place before heading home and likewise, we’d go out every now and then. Then we started to realize like, hey, we should do this more often?
Except there’s this enormous complication: he was then dating a girl who is very much related to me.
Well, this may sound really, really awful but all of our friends have known him as sort of a player. After his 5-or-6-year-whatever-on-and-off-relationship with his past GF, he just played the field and never get into any serious relationship since then. Which I can’t totally blame him: Sorry to say this, but I thought I was being a pain in the ass most of the time but that girl was way, way beyond anything pain-in-the-ass for that matter! So, given the fact that he is a player, I refused to continue what we have before its too late. Simply for the reason that I don’t want to get hurt again. I just got out of a 3-year relationship that truly, without exaggerating, ruined me piece by piece. So when our paths met I was also playing the field and I’m in fact having fun doing it. It was supposed to be just an open-relationship. He’s free to date whomever he wants to and likewise, because we both were emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable (hmmm very movie-like-kinda-story, I know). We even set some ground rules, like no expectations, no demands etc. just plain friends going out and having fun and just going with the flow.
It wasn’t all that hard because he’s my friend and no adjustment period, and somehow he became my best friend because we’ve shared our deepest and darkest secrets with each other. I’ve accepted all his vices, shortcomings, negative traits and everything in between, and he does the same with me. See, that’s the thing I highly appreciated.
Then things just started to become serious… We both didn’t realized our feelings for each other overnight, it’ll be stupid and crazy. Yes, it was incredibly fast, but it felt like a looooong development. Or maybe we knew it from the start that “we are” gonna happen but we just shrug off the thought and the idea of it because of a lot of complications: First, I mentioned earlier about his recent ex which for the record, he ended things with before he and I really hooked things up. Not only that, but most probably, the rest of her friends are mad at me because of the wrong implication that we cheated on her (what the??!). Second, since we’re just real plain friends, I set him up with a very close friend of mine but things didn’t worked out between them, take note this is a year ago. She was surprised by the news that we’re dating and being immature as she is, she just couldn’t handle the news very well and now she’s also currently mad at me (oh look at that?!). Third, our circle of friends who, during that time doesn’t have a single idea that we are going out but now they do know and thank God that they’re totally fine with it. Fourth, our horrible past, whew. Need I say more?? hahahaha and so on and so forth.
If you think that I NEVER considered about all the complications I just said, trust me, I did. Period. That’s why no matter how many SIGNS and SIGNALS are there that we are, INDEED, falling in love I tried sooooo damn hard to ignore all of it!!! Like for example:
I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY EX. I’m not saying that I used Kevin as a rebound because I don’t. I’ve never been a fan of using someone as a rebound because I’m not that kind of person. But whenever I’m with him, getting back together with my ex has been the farthest thing in my mind! And reality check, there was even a couple of times that I’m having a hard time picturing my ex’s face?? But then… IGNORED.
I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM; his smile, his dorky and funny jokes, his Mr. Suave moves LOL, he’s being gentleman, even his scent, for Pete’s sake! The thought of him consumes me, literally. He’d just pops in my head and I’d find myself smiling like an idiot! There’s this one time that I was with a friend canvassing some stuff for my client, then I’d stop at some stores and would look at things and wonder if he’d like this as a gift or whatever! See?? Even while driving, I’d listen to love songs and I’d suddenly exclaim “What the fuck is wrong with me??!” PROMISE! LOL. But then… IGNORED.
I CARE ABOUT HIM. I never thought I could care for a certain someone ever again. I wanted to know what’s going on through his mind, when his mood swings would strike, what he wants for dinner, even his favorite color (WTF right?!). It’s crazy because I’m normally this conceited person who thinks only about myself and what benefits me, but I just can’t do that to him. But then… IGNORED.
I STOPPED DATING OTHER GUYS. The moment I refused a guy asking me out on a date because I’d rather see Kevin that day, that was the moment that I stopped and thought, Uh-Oh. Furthermore, I don’t seem to enjoy flirting as much as I used to. And it came to me, he’s the only guy in the room that matters and that it always took me 2-hours to prepare so that I’d be pretty enough for him. Although I can’t help noticing a cute or hunky guy who walks by, some of them just slips through my mind or moreover too plain to be in comparison with him even if its obvious that they’re more good-looking that him! But then again… IGNORED.
I LEARNED TO COMPROMISE. Did I mention that I was such an annoying spoiled brat back then? That I always find ways to get what I want. (uhmm ask the guys I’ve dated hahaha) But with him, I don’t mind compromising. Even though I love it when he’d drive two hours in traffic just to have lunch with me, or when he’d accompany me in finishing my job until the wee hours of night, or that no matter how tired he is he won’t mind driving me out of town just because I want to have dinner on that spot, you know what I mean. And I wanna do that to him as well, that I’d really put an effort squeezing all my tight schedules for him or that I don’t mind driving to his place and just hang out when normally, I’d DEMAND for him to fetch me anytime, anywhere. And again… IGNORED.
I PLAN AHEAD AND HE’S ALWAYS IN IT. Before, I’d plan my weekend with my girlfriends or with different dates, but now it always has to be with him, as much as possible. It’s like the future with him seems infinite! Not only do I want to see him every weekend, but everyday and for the many years to come! hahaha I now plan my vacation with him, I asked him to be my date for the upcoming wedding I’m about to attend, I plan to watch concerts with him, I plan to travel around the country or even the world with him. All of these are just plain surreal but I so want them to come true. And yet again, I tried to IGNORE.
Then came his 2-week vacation to Europe with his family. Everything was planned out, like I’d go out with my friends more than usual or I’d bury myself with work just so I won’t be able to think much about him, then all of a sudden he told me how he really felt about me. I was exceptionally shocked that my first initial reaction was to cry. I cried because even though it was just through FB message (maximum number of words actually), I felt his sincerity and his seriousness about me and what we have. My heart is overflowing with joy and love that was avoided, held and kept and for such a long time. And that I know I should be worried about his previous affairs, women, affiliations and what not, but I’m not. I’m certainly not worried at all because I know how much he loves me that hurting me is the furthermost thing in his mind. And I know how much he’s been through that’s why being that numb, cold and distant has been his defense mechanism all these years to protect him from his previous heartache, and I can’t imagine myself causing him such pain.
So despite the hate mail I received and (for sure) many more to come, I just don’t care because I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of and that person who sent me that mail is so envious of me that I actually feel pity on her/him. You may be hurting or you may be in a dark place now, but trust me, I’VE BEEN THERE. I’ve been sad and insecure but I got through all that and find myself in a happy place and so should you. I’ve been waiting for this kind of love and happiness all my life and now that I’ve found it, or it found me, I’m not letting you or any of the other hate mails you’d send to ruin it all.