Dear you…

It’s been a while since I talked to you. Or thought about you, even.

First of all, this is not a bitter note. I guess the reason why I’m writing you this is because after months of dreading over the fact that I lost you, I have finally moved on.

I don’t deny that what we had was something genuine and precious. I actually thought back then that nothing can separate us, that we’ll be holding on til the end. But things just didn’t worked out the way we planned them to be. If you’re gonna ask me if I have regrets? Yes. I do have regrets. If only I’ve been honest about how I truly feel and not just shut you out with my silence, if only I’ve shown much appreciation on the things you’ve done and said, if only I was mature enough or understanding enough, I shouldn’t be writing this to you now. All these “what ifs” have haunted me for nights and I was then beginning to believe that there’s no ending to that pain of losing someone you loved so dearly. We hurt each other by stating false hopes that turned to lapses and eventually became disappointments.

I was angry at you, actually loathed you for deserting me. Cursed you for all the lies and for breaking my trust. For deceiving me over and over again. But as I look back and reflect on the things that happened, I came to realize that I alone caused you to do those things. I pushed you to your limits. And for that, I can’t blame you entirely for finally giving up on me. I was a spoiled brat who thinks only of herself and never listens. I was so full of myself and conceited that I was perfect and there’s nothing you can say or do that can change me. Believe me I tried. I tried to change myself and become better and be that someone you deserve. But it seems all those changes are not enough. I wasn’t enough to hold you back and make you stay.

I consider you as my greatest love and my greatest pain. Heaven knows how much I cried myself to sleep each night. How I dreamed and daydreamed that you’d come knocking on my door and begging for me to take you back. But you only gave me mixed signals that I couldn’t figure out. Then I thought I couldn’t continue playing this game with you, so with each passing day, little by little, I threw my love for you down the drain. I have to, or else I’d still be sulking in my room wishing for you to come back.

I kept all our good and not-so-good memories deep inside my heart. I knew I’d never be able to forget them since you’ve been a big part of my life for three years. I’m not casting them aside, I’m just making room for a new chapter in my life: A new chapter with someone who captured my fickle-minded heart and brought back the smile you took away. You know, when you left, you took a big part of me with you. And I hated you for that. For months I thought I could never be whole again or that I could never be fixed, that I’m never gonna run right. But slowly, I started to regain myself, started living my life the way I should be and found my way all over again.

Just when I thought love would never come my way. It amazingly did. And this love has proven me so much that it really does moves in mysterious ways. Its still a surprise to me up til now since the guy I’m telling you about is a random friend of mine. Isn’t it amazing how you look at someone before as a random friend and now he means the whole world to you? It sounds ironic, I know. Even I can’t believe it myself. I realized that I was falling for him when I thought about you one day and it didn’t hurt anymore. Like it’s just a no big deal  that I happen to think about you in a normal day. When usually, I’d load myself with work and stuff just so I won’t be able to think about you for a minute because it actually hurts. Do you know what I mean? Then it struck me like a bolt of lightning, that I’m in fact over you and all the drama of being a broken hearted girl. And for the first time after many years of searching for something real that I can’t even fathom, he is my missing puzzle piece. I’m now complete.

It felt like all the things that happened to me for all these years are just tools in preparing me to be with him. Like it honed me to be the kind of person he belongs to and likewise. We’ve both been emotionally damaged and when we’re together we’re like each others antidotes. I know it sounds crazy! hahahaha He doesn’t even have to say he loves me every single time because I know and I can feel that he does. I’ve made horrible mistakes in my life and I’ve accepted the possibility that I may not be able to find love again and that I don’t deserve to be loved and treated accordingly. But every time he looks at me, I feel like I’m in a pedestal and I’m wearing halo all the time 🙂 And you never looked at me that way. You always see me as a student needed to be taught about ways of life and love. Like I don’t know a damn single thing about being alone, that I could never survive without you, but that was a mistake. And when you set me free, it’s like learning to fly again on my own. And yes, I may have fallen a dozen times but I always managed to come around. And I decided to flew away from you as far as my wings could take me, and it felt good.

I guess what I’m just really trying to say is, I knew I loved you. I knew you were someone significant. And that losing you has been the hardest thing I have never imagined I could endure but I did. And because of that, you have made me stronger by breaking my heart. And this pain and lesson has been a blessing in disguise, because if it weren’t for this I wouldn’t have met this amazing, dorky brilliant guy who never failed to put a smile in my face.

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