When you know…

Fuck!

I think I’m in love. No, actually I know I’m in love.

Those paragraphs are even under stated. Imagine, I’m literally shaking while typing these words. It’s like my whole body can’t consume the overflowing emotions in my chest.

How can I say this in a not-so-in-love kinda demeanor? So I won’t sound so corny! hahaha

Have you seen the movie Serendipity starred by John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale? Well, there’s this soundtrack from that movie that simply explains all the emotions I’m feeling right now. The song is entitled When you know by Shawn Colvin.

“When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it. 
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. 
When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go 
Cos you know and you know that you know.”

I guess you can’t really chose who to love. As for me, he’s a dear friend of mine. For the past 15 years I only looked at him as a friend and colleague and never imagined that one day I’d be writing this blog about him. And as much as I’m denying about it, or shrug the thought even, and that I don’t care as much, or I don’t love as much, it just keeps on crawling in. Yes, I’ve been pretending that I don’t buy it, that it’s just an infatuation, that this is normal for people who randomly goes out with random people and their friends. But with each passing days and nights, it has became clearer and clearer that I’ve found him.

No, he has found me.

I guess, you know when you know… and there’s just no turning back and pretending it’s not there.

“When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow 
Of your heart, there’s no way you can wait till tomorrow. 
When there isn’t any doubt about it once you come this close 
Cos you know and you know that you know.”

Just like in cliff diving or bungee jumping, you anticipate the drive to jump but nothing really prepares you for the jump. You just do it and keep a wishful thinking that the rope is strong enough to hold on to you and keep you whole. That’s what I’m feeling right now. Honestly, I label myself as a planner, and over-thinker with the adrenaline for adventurebut this one is surely an adventure I didn’t see coming!!! Even his slightest touch and his tender whisper gives me shivers. I know it sounds surreal, crazy even and the people who knows me doesn’t usually see me like this: acting so madly in love. But I just want him close all the time, and that parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be ‘morrow! (Hail to Shakespeare!) See??? See what I’m talking about??? LOL

“You can feel love’s around you like the sky ’round blue 
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.”

Everything is happening so fast and that I’m deliberately ignoring the stop signal and just goes on and on. As much as I wanna stop and think and listen to my reasons, I just can’t! I’ve been hastily clouded by this feeling and it scares the SHIT out of me. BIG TIME! You see, we’ve both been hurt by the people we loved so intensely, so the fear and doubt of getting into a relationship once more is definitely a big step for the both of us and not to mention, extremely traumatizing. And oh, did I mention that a lot of people has been hurt by the process of us being together??

I’m telling you, it’s complicated in a MAJOR, MAJOR way!!!

“When you know that you know who you need, you can’t deny it. 
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. 
When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go 
Cos you know and you know that you know.”

I’m petrified by the thought of being hurt again. I’ve been through heaven and hell, scarred my knees and bruised my heart. Cried to the depths of my heart till there’s no teardrop to cry anymore, lost my way and myself during the process and now that I’m slowly regaining my own self and loving ME, I don’t think I can handle another heartbreak anymore… So please, be careful with my heart and if it’s not too much to ask, kindly roll a sticker of “FRAGILE” in it.

“And it’s time you come in from the cold. 
Haaa… 
And you know that you know.”

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7 comments on “When you know…

  1. Love is a lot of joy, but also a lot of pain – and we can never protect us for any of it and if we do .. we lose out on so much – love we have to take for what it’s and when ever it comes to us .. we can wrap our heart in cotton – we have to throw ourselves into it and hope for the best. Good luck to you.

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