To Almost Nonexistent

I’ve always had this sick infatuation about true love. I felt like, I was more in love with the idea about love and fantasizing about finding one or that it (love) finds me, but then it always leads to horrific disappointments. It’s not that I resent falling in love with the guys who’ve been in and out of my life. They loved me and likewise, but things just doesn’t always work out the way you hoped them to be. That famous line; It’s not you, it’s me. 

And I get it. I totally get it. But somehow, those experiences turned me into one, cold-hearted, distrustful, cynical person I was…. Until now.

It all started with random Hi’s and Hello’s. You know, these simple words are the scariest of them all because they struck one’s heart like a pinnacle of ice. And so goes the movie, Jerry Maguire: You had me at HELLO.  And it did. Since then I couldn’t help but wait for that simple Hello flash on my phone screen. The anticipation of waking up and seeing a morning greetings before I start my day, or asking if I’ve eaten lunch, or wishing me a good night sleep.

At first your memory is just a mere thought which is simply unimportant. But now it’s a laughter from a not-so-funny joke, a voice needed to be heard, a wishful thinking needed to be reached, a shout into the void needed to be expressed, and a hand so desperately need to be touched.

I remember just looking at you from afar, admiring the tall, statuesque that you are, not realizing how you’re capable of turning my world upside down. It’s like everything is going on a roller coaster, but eventually not wanting to fall. No, not wanting – scared even.  How can I not be scared? When I always wear my heart on my sleeves but it always get pulled and be stumped down. And I can’t help but wonder, can you be that guy on JT’s song who can heal it over time, and won’t stop til I believe it ’cause you know I’m worth it.

Yeah, that wouldn’t be a bad thing at all.

And just so you know, I’m thankful of how you can be honest with me, I know it takes random courage to be able to share your deepest and darkest secrets and yet here I am. I can only hope that mine won’t scare you away. See, that would be a bummer. And now I find it difficult to turn away from you, how you compel me to pay attention to only you and to listen to what you are saying. My mind has been out of focus lately, making me daydream during important meetings, and scribbling stupid doodles on my notes. You are by far, the greatest distraction I can’t resist.

How can you turn away from one person who gives you the attention you need; who’s patient enough to wait for you each and everyday, trying to keep up with you, and painstakingly endures your mood swings. I’ve craved your attention; I marvel at how wonderful to be seen by you. But now forgive me for shattering your silence, this could be one of the downfalls of being with a girl who keeps a blog.

It’s just hard to contain an amazing, breathtaking, surprising thing. Few years ago you’re just a person I know. Your relevance to my life, almost nonexistent.

But now. You’re someone who makes me feel less cynical. A secret too good to keep to myself.